Letters to James
by kewie351
Summary: Lily sends out a letter just before she ends her life, and is answered by James! Very fluffy, rated for brief cussing and Lily's attempt.


DISCLAIMER: I own Cloud...and the story. But the other characters and the wizarding world belong to JKR! And I hope anybody who has suffered from depression will see that there is hope, even when you don't have a James Potter to rescue you! No flames, please. This is just a story that makes me happy; don't ruin it for me!  
  
Lily Evans signed her name on the tearstained piece of paper and tied it to the grey owl's leg before whispering, Take it to somebody who'll care, Cloud, please. And she wiped her face on her too-large sleeve, then walked, shoulders hunched, looking at her feet, to the astronomy tower.  
  
Cloud, meanwhile, soared joyfully out the window before swooping down over the quidditch field.  
  
Dammit Sirius! It shouldn't matter that we don't like him! Letting Remus bite him would make him either dead or cursed as well. You've seen what he goes through during each transformation! Nobody should have to be in that much pain! Even Severus Snape doesn't deserve that! James Potter was talking as loudly as he could without attracting too much attention, leaning on his broom. Sirius Black, a handsome fellow, was trying to decide between looking rueful and infuriated. He chose the latter.  
  
Look, Prongs. I know you did the heroic thing, but could you step off your soapbox for a fucking minute! You've said a thousand times that we should just let Remus loose on Snape for his nosiness. But now you say it's wrong! I think you should rethink your own morals before you start attacking mine! See you at dinner! with that Sirius stormed off.  
  
James jumped on his broom and shot into the breeze. His untidy black hair was pushed flat as he went into a dive, and his piercing brown eyes carefully sighted the distance, pulling out just in time to avoid a collision with the ground. And swerved to collide with a fluffy storm colored blob. Instead of being stunned at being held by James, the owl pecked James' glasses until they fell the fifty feet to the spongy ground. Dammit, you stupid bird! James growled, still holding onto the bird and swinging around to swoop down on the spot where they had disappeared.  
  
On landing, James threw the bird from him in disgust and pulled out his wand. Accio glasses! he yelled. The second he got his glasses back on, he noticed the owl flying around him in circles, waving one of its legs at him, and attached to that leg was a note! He quickly held up his broom as a perch, and quickly untied the parchment, which read:  
  
Dear, well, whoever you are,  
I am about to kill myself. I am not joking. I'm just so scared. I've always been so scared of suicide and death, but now it's like a disease or something, because I can't fight it. The feeling is so strong, I can't seem do anything, or control anything. I didn't even want to write this, but I guess knowing that it probably wouldn't do any good made me relent. So since this is a hopeless gesture, it will be even more pitiful when I throw myself off the- wait! I can't even tell you that, because you might try to stop me! If this ever gets in the right hands. I don't care anymore! I want to, I really do. I want to want to live. But the idea of suicide pulls me, like it's my destiny or something. But, Merlin, I'm scared! I'm fucking freaked out, and that's putting it mildly. And you should know that I never cuss. Maybe I should've cussed, then maybe people would've noticed me. Maybe then they would've cared. Not that it's anyone else's fault. I know, I know, I should take responsibility for my own actions. I am irresponsible. I used to be able to do my schoolwork, no problem, and I was ready weeks before it was due. Hell, I even asked teachers for the work in advance, and finished it before it was even assigned sometimes! I know I sound like a perfectionist, and I guess I am. Or I used to be. And I was damn proud of myself. But look at me now! I couldn't do my homework! Ever since Christmas, I haven't been able to write more than three inches, and the essay on harpies is due tomorrow, and I know there's nothing I can do! I just stared at the paper, willing it to become a comprehensive treatise on harpy psychology and culture. Merlin, I sound like a geek! I don't want to be a geek! I wish I was one of those people who could just talk, talk, talk, but everything I say is stupid! And the only thing that's considered funny is putting other people down! And nobody thinks that what we're learning is fun! I mean, I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this, but it's preferable to talking to other people. No, that's a lie. All I want is to be accepted, and liked, and maybe someday loved. But who am I kidding? I am just stupid, geeky, teacher's pet Evans! Nobody even calls me Lily! I'm just my last name, which is a muggle one, and therefore inferior. And it's not just here. Mom and Dad act like they are proud of me, but they don't even know me! And Petunia never talks to me about boys or makeup or movie stars, and she pretends like she doesn't have a little sister at all!   
Anyway, I'm sorry to waste your time. I always do that! But I just can't take this mental beating up anymore! And I'm so scared. I don't want to miss my own graduation, and the chance to live somewhere in the wizarding world. I want to have a first kiss! Yeah, I'm 17, and I've never been kissed! I am such a loser! It feels like a whirlpool, and I am being inexorably drawn into doing something I would normally never consider. I may just be using you so I can blame you for my death. My death. I am going to die today. It all ends today. No more criticisms, no more being made fun of. I don't know what I believe will happen to me when I'm gone. I know that everyone at Hogwarts will be shocked, then move on with their lives. I'll just be a blip in the school year. And Dumbledore will write my parents, then they'll probably blame Gryffindor's losing the house cup on me dampening the spirits of the house. But hey, I won't even know! I will be beyond shame, and guilt, and doubt. I want to say I hope I didn't ruin your day, but that's really what I want to do. I want people to realize that I was here, but that I'm gone, because they did nothing. Even if it's my fault. But thank you for listening anyway.  
Lily Evans  
  
James' head jerked up. Lily Evens, Lily Evans. She was the one who had red hair, and her nose was always in a book. He looked up to see the owl agitatedly preening. Will you come with me? I don't know where she is, but I'll have to write her a note if I can't find her. The owl nodded regally, but quickly. Thanks, meet me in the common room, okay? Cloud took off. James mounted his broom, and flew into the wind.  
  
Where could she be? He had searched the entire roof of the school, and looked in the windows with no luck. So he angled his broom so he could fly in the window in the hall of the portrait of the Fat Lady. He ran up to her her, panted unicorn hair before clambering in the common room. Cloud was there, next to a table with quill and parchment.  
  
Dear Lily,  
Please don't do this! Please, please, please! I don't pretend to be your friend, I'm just a stupid prat who never realized you were in trouble! I thought you could just keep going without friends, without encouragement. I actually thought you looked down on us, since we don't care for our studies like you do. But I have often thought you had clever things to say, and it always makes me laugh when you make little wry comments on the reading in History of Magic. Binns is so boring, and you make it so much more interesting. And I agree, you might be a bit obsessed with schoolwork, but that's better than Sirius' obsession with pranking Snape! Yours started out as being healthy, but you don't know how to balance school with social stuff. You can't do schoolwork all the time! You have to have some time with other people; they let you see that not everything is black and white, like in the books. They show you just how human we all are. Please don't do this. I care about you, even if you don't and I believe I know you better right now than you do. Even though we've never had a real conversation.  
The only reason you don't have lots of friends is that you don't know how. I wish you'd let me show you how worthwhile you are! And you deserve it. Lily Evans deserves friends just as much as I do, probably more. But please! I'm begging you, DON'T DO THIS! I will help you, just let me. We would miss you too much. I'll find a way to show you.  
Sincerely,  
James Potter  
  
He tied the parchment to Cloud's leg and watched him soar out the window...up to the astronomy tower, where a small, red-crowned figure was standing. James turned around so fast, he ran into Remus Lupin.  
  
Look, James, I wanted to thank you for-  
  
Not now Moony! James said hastily, rushing past Remus to grab his invisibility cloak. Bit of an emergency! He elaborated, when his friend looked bewildered. James stuffed the cloak into his pocket and rushed out of the common room, knocking over a half dozen Gryffindors on his way.  
  
Lily was staring down at the snow-covered Hogwarts grounds fearfully when Cloud returned. Well, I guess I should say bye. and Lily grabbed Cloud and hugged the disgruntled bird in a most undignified fashion. She looked surprised at the crunching noise the paper made when crumpled. She untied the note amazedly. I want to open this, but I think if I did, I might not jump, and I think I'm finally brave enough to do it. I've been scared of this so long... I think I might be brave enough now. And I am doing the right thing, She stated woodenly, trying to convince herself of the truthfulness of her words. I'm doing the right thing. She noticed tears on her cheeks and realized that she was crying. She took a deep breath, wiped her eyes on her overlarge sleeve again, and climbed onto the balcony railing. For a minute she was looking at the falling snow on the peaceful castle grounds. She waited for herself to jump off. Okay. You are brave enough. 3...2...she closed her eyes,   
  
She was falling, but she was falling backwards instead of forwards. She landed with an on something soft. She just stayed as she was, tensed up, eyes closed, breath held, until she realized that she needed more air. She inhaled and exhaled with relief. Then she realized that she hadn't died. She was still thinking, she was still miserable, and her eyes were still welling with tears. She opened up her eyes to see a Gryffindor badge, like the one she wore on her robes. The rearing lion only reminded her how little like a Gryffindor she was. She couldn't even commit suicide properly!   
  
Then she realized that she should be able to move, but she couldn't. She looked down to see arms crushing her, holding her against a rapidly rising and falling obviously male chest. She didn't want to look up. This was the sort of thing that happened in her dreams, and as soon as she tried to see who it was, the dream would disappear. Lily decided that she enjoyed the feeling of being held far too much to ruin it. So she slowly relaxed and started crying into that badge, feeling her dream's body also tensing, then relaxing and adjusting to hold her more comfortably. Lily cried for what seemed like hours before a hand snaked up to her chin and tilted it so she had to face her rescuer. It was James Potter.  
  
Winded from running up six flights of stairs, James had staggered into the astronomy tower in just enough time to hear You are brave enough. 3...2...1! He threw himself forward, toppling over a miniature model of the solar system in his rush to reach her. He grabbed her around her middle and hauled her backwards, until he fell over himself, unbalanced. She didn't acknowledge his presence for awhile, as they lay on the floor, though he thought he saw her eyelashes move. Then she nestled, for that was how it looked, into him, burying her face in his robes. He let her cry, mesmerized by the way her tidy red hair felt flowing through his fingers. When she had seemed to be calmed he tilted her chin up so he could make eye contact, He stopped. She had green eyes, the color of grass after a heavy rain. Eyes that held power over anybody who was looked at the way James was being looked at right then. He could tell that he would never be able to live with himself if he didn't help her. Then he realized that she was petrified(emotionally).  
  
Lily couldn't believe it. James Potter, the popular guy who was always pranking her or anybody else, had stopped her from killing herself. And he had brown eyes that were making her feel like she was..precious, special. He was looking at her as if he was scared that she would break. And suddenly she realized how close she was to him, how there was almost nothing between them, and how she wanted to be even closer. So she had to pull away. He let her go gradually, making sure she wasn't going to fall so much as an inch and seated himself next to her leaning his back on the wall, still holding her hands, as the sun set on the last day of Lily Evans' life. Or what was supposed to be the last day.  
  
James couldn't bring himself to let go of her hands, so he held them, awkward as it was, as he sat next to her. Well, I think that surpasses all of the other most frightening moments in my life! he remarked, attempting to lighten the mood. Lily looked surprised.   
  
I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to see it. I was supposed to just be gone, then people could go back to imagining I'm not there. Did you get my letter? Lily asked somewhat dully.  
  
James paused, I'm so sorry, Lily. May I call you Lily? He grinned.  
  
Lily's sad eyes lit in her serious face, Yes! But... she trailed off.  
  
  
  
Could you let go of my hands please? Lily whispered, staring at their intertwined fingers as if hypnotized.  
  
he pretended to mull it over. only if you promise never to even think about that again. He frowned at her.  
  
She winced. Nothing had happened to change her feelings about her life. Lily shook her head.  
  
James' look of concern deepened, and his brown eyes turned serious. He scooted closer very quickly and released her arms only to embrace her waist. He hadn't wanted to let her go at first, so here was an excuse to get closer.  
  
She tried to pull away, Please let me go! You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do let me go! LET ME GO! She was panicked. He was so close and she didn't know how long she would be able to take it. She wanted to kiss him so badly, but she knew that guys like him didn't kiss girls like her. And she found that his proximity made her think foolish things like what it would feel like to run her hands through his hair, and whether he thought she was pretty. She started trembling, holding all of these things back when he kissed her on the cheek, then on the forehead.  
  
He needed to show her how much she was loved and admired, so he gave in just a little bit and kissed her face. She froze. Then he felt her turning her face, ever-so-slightly to wards him, and he kissed her. She responded immediately, reaching her arms around him before she realized what she was doing. It was a short kiss, but definitely the best kind of first kiss she could have gotten: completely sincere, and given as a gift, not for personal pleasure. Still Lily was afraid and pulled back, and James, concerned that he had overstepped the bounds once again released her.  
  
Lily should have been in heaven. The sweetest man she had ever met had just kissed her. But he couldn't mean it, could he? Oh, this was too confusing! James? Please don't do that.  
  
Mischievously he asked, Why? Didn't you enjoy it? then regretted it when a tear began coursing its way down her cheek.  
  
I-I well I yeah, but I-I don't want to be flirted with James. I'm just not like that. I'm just not! I want to fall in love someday and get married and have kids! I don't want to be a conquest, or a trophy, or anything! I want to fall in love, you hear me? And I don't want to be in your fan club! So leave me alone, James Potter!  
  
Leave you alone? James was hurt at her accusations. But you have been on your own your whole life and look what that's gotten you!  
  
It's better than having a broken heart!  
  
You do have a broken heart, and I'm just trying to fix it!  
  
You're only going to break my heart James, so you'll just have to stay away from me! Lily sobbed, and ran out of the room, holding her hand over her mouth.  
  
Lily would've kicked herself if she could. So she did it mentally, repeatedly. I knew you were stupid, Lily Evans, but I never knew that you were that stupid! The handsomest guy you've ever talked to kissed you, and all you could think about was when he'd leave you. Of course he would, but how are you ever going to live if you don't make yourself happy now and then?'  
  
He deserves better than you! You know that you're a waste of time, you're stupid, you're ugly, and you couldn't even accept your first kiss from a dream come true gracefully! What a dumb, silly girl you are!' With that she changed into her nightgown and fell into bed, secretly relieved that she would live to face James Potter in the morning.  
  
Naturally, James assumed that there was more the matter with Lily Evans than meets the eye. So laughing at his clumsy affections, he resolved that he needed to know her better. His note to her was lying on the ground unopened, so he took it to his dorm and sat down to write another to send with it.  
  
Dear Lily,  
I apologize for kissing you. I guess I really am the womanizer you painted me to be, and I'm sorry you were hurt by this. Truly, I didn't mean to hurt you. I respect you, Lily. You were very brave to hold that inside for all this time. BUT IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I WILL NO LONGER RESPECT YOU! There is such a thing as being too brave. You are too brave, a true Gryffindor, with faults as well as positive traits. I should have noticed you sooner, you're right. You are very pretty, you're smart, you are nice to other people. I hope my idiocy doesn't keep us from being friends. Please write me back. Oh, and I'll try to convince my friends not to tease you anymore. We only tease the people who are smarter than us(don't tell Snape-I'll deny having said this!). And I won't tell anybody about any part of tonight, and it might be better if we didn't appear to know each other any better than we did yesterday, so Sirius doesn't make any comments about us snogging in the astronomy tower, etc., etc. I know you wouldn't want your reputation sullied by anything like that!  
Sincerely,  
James Potter  
  
Dear James,  
I wasn't going to answer your letter at first. I'm sorry too. I don't know you at all, and I yelled at you when you saved my life. I'm still not sure you did the right thing, stopping me, but I'm willing to give it another try. I guess. It's nice being able to talk to somebody about this. And if you don't actually want to hear all this, just send a note with Cloud-she's my owl- saying that I should stuff it. Really, I don't even know why you should bother even reading this. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be seen with me. I'm sure I'll be fine now that it's past. Thanks anyway.  
Lily Evans  
  
Dear Lily,  
Don't for a minute think that I'm going to leave you! I'm your friend...yeah. I want to help you. And the only reason I'm avoiding you at all, is I'm worried that I'll be embarrassed into...well...embarrassing both of us again. Cause I think the minute I try to talk to you, I'll either slip into protective brother or amorous womanizer mode, and Sirius will come up with a story that would make even himself blush! In all seriousness, though, I'm glad you're considering reconsidering...well...what you were considering before. Anytime you start to feel like that again, just come to me, or write to me, and I'll be honored to help you. And I'll reign in my baser instincts-hehehe! Sorry, am I scaring you? I was trying to make you laugh.  
Sincerely,   
James  
  
Dear James,  
I was so glad to get your letter! I, well, I haven't had a real friend since I became a witch. Or realized I was a witch. And thanks for joking with me- it feels good to laugh. Once again, I apologize if I come on too strong with this friendship thing, just tell me and I'll shut up. Really, I don't mind. But how am I going to finish these essays? I'm really nervous about asking for more time on them The harpy essay-  
  
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Lily Evans, now in her seventh year, was in love. She clutched his latest letter from him to her breast and fell back onto her bed.  
  
Dear Lily,  
I completely agree, and I'm proud of you for dealing with that so well. You've really come so far since last year. I hate to remind you of it, but yesterday it was a year since then. I am sorta glad it happened, because otherwise I never would've met you. You're one of my closest friends, Lily. And while the circumstances of our meeting could've been much better, I'm not sure if we could've gotten this close without it. So there is an upside to all this! At least as far as I'm concerned. And now even Sirius has had a crush on you! OOOPS! Hehe! Sorry. Last year, a week before finals Sirius was going to ask you out. I'm afraid that's when he remembered he was dating the irrepressible Ann from Hufflepuff, so he ended up spending the rest of his summer lamenting about how the thick girl couldn't take a hint, when he would've preferred daydreaming about the girl he saw studying in the library.  
I must admit, however, that I wasn't too keen on this. I have a feeling you would've needed some life-saving after spending an evening with Sirius. I have great respect for my friend, but his respect for his dates never extends more than a couple of weeks. And that is the recorded truth! And I guess I'm feeling a bit protective...you deserve the best, kid! I'm afraid Sirius is back to seducing fifth years, so I hope your dreams of a Sirius relationship aren't ruined! If you had any...  
I'm really glad you're over Weasley. He has a huge thing for Molly Patternest, and everybody thinks this is it for Art's single life! If you need anybody to talk to, I'm always here. Well, when I'm not leading on those poor little sixth years' in my fan club' as you so scathingly put it. So when I'm not shagging some innocent in the astronomy tower'(you are so cruel! You know I'd NEVER do that in OUR special place *ducking and covering*), I await your next owl.  
Fondly,  
James Potter  
P.S.- Cloud is getting a bit FAT!  
  
Lily squealed with pure girly joy. He'd signed his letter ! And he didn't want Sirius to like her! And he was ! She was so glad that he'd remembered about the day before, and how the astronomy tower was their special place. Or, at least, a place in which they had a lot of history. She pulled out a piece of parchment.  
  
Dearest James,  
Dahlink! I'm so glad you remembered! Yes, OUR special place! The place where you got amazingly fresh with me in the midst of my distress, and took advantage of the fact that you just so happened to save my life! I'm still a bit miffed. I don't think I'll say anything else to you, you bounder!  
With giggles,  
L  
  
James grabbed at Cloud, who flirted out of his grasp until he made a noise of frustration. The owl dodged, then landed on the bedpost, looking very proud of himself. James eagerly untied Lily's note and handed the plump owl a piece of boloney, which the bird looked at suspiciously before giving into an insatiable hunger. James was constantly surprised at Lily's sense of humor and playfulness. She was as good as a Marauder that way. Nothing James said upset her, though she did occasionally take things the wrong way. She always came straight to him with her doubts, though, so their friendship had proceeded comfortably, with few hitches. He was even more surprised when a hand descended in front of him and grabbed the missive out of his hands.  
  
Hmmmmm! What's Prongsie up to? Secret letters! Jamsie! You've been busy, young sir! Hmmmmmm, a bounder are we? Sirius Black's eyes sparkled. What an interesting piece of blackmail this would make! He was delighted by a wince from James.  
  
Padfoot, you meddler, give me back the letter! If that were to be seen by anybody else I would lose her trust-please!? As my best friend? James looked pleadingly at Sirius, whose wand was pointed playfully at his friend.  
  
Jamsie? You'll have to come clean! That's the price! Sirius' eyes glinted.  
  
As much as I love you, you old dog, I'm afraid this is none of your business, and I have no right to tell you. James resisted the urge to attack his friend, knowing that would only compound the problem.  
  
You're no fun! Sirius whined as he lowered his wand and James reclaimed the small curling parchment. She's flirting with you! You HAVE to tell me what this is about, please?  
  
He couldn't keep all of this from his best buddy. OK, I've been this girl's pen pal for a year, and she goes to Hogwarts, and we joke around a lot, that's all! I can't tell you much, but that's the only part that's mine to tell. He risked a look at Sirius.  
  
Fine, fine. Nothing more graphic than what I read? Oh, James. You are a helpless case my friend! And Sirius slumped away, his curiosity piqued, but his hopes dashed.  
  
Dear Flower,  
I've decided to call you by a nickname, because Sirius discovered your last note. Thank whatever gods you pray to that it wasn't one of the ones where you declare your undying love to-well- Mr. Whatshisname. He merely learned that a lady thinks I'm a bounder, and that I took advantage of somebody, which was both nothing new and enough to satisfy his curiosity. For now. So just use your initial like you did before, and hopefully nothing will be traced back to you!  
But I do recall that you were the one who begged me to let you go, then quite willingly kissed me until I lost all coherent thought! So there! Who's the seducer now?  
Fondly,  
J  
  
J,  
I do not know what you are talking about! I'd never been kissed before, how was I supposed to react? And it's not like it was anything you haven't experienced before! I bet you wouldn't have even done it if you'd known me better! And it's not like your thoughts are coherent anyway. I read them all the time you know!  
L  
  
James wasn't used to getting letters like these from Lily. He normally got sheafs of papers weekly, with every little daily stressor included. That he'd only gotten less than a page in three days worried him. But he enjoyed the short biting messages more than the interesting perspective essays he was used to receiving. But the continuance of this conversation made him wonder if she was flirting with him. He hadn't been able to date anyone for more than a couple of days since he met Lily. All of the other girls had seemed remotely interesting after he started his letters to her. And that kiss! He still remembered how strongly he'd wanted to hold her and keep her safe, and make sure nothing ever happened to her. And to kiss her.   
So he'd avoided her for several months while he focused on ignoring the need to hold her. Their circles didn't come together often outside of class, so it was easy to stay on a completely platonic level and hold back his amorous womanizer mode'. But now that she was doing so much better, and perhaps flirting with him, maybe he could...do something drastic.  
  
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Lily read James' latest missive with mixed feelings. She had wondered if she'd gone too far with her jibes, and now she wished she could just steal the note back that she'd sent. But at the same time, she wondered what he'd say. She had been kissed since then, a couple of times. Once, by Sirius under the mistletoe at Christmas, and once by Ed Abbot on a dare. Neither of them could compare with what she remembered of her kiss with James. She only recalled emotions from then, but there was a feeling of such safety with him, coupled with a burst of joy akin to morning sunlight flooding a dark room. But she couldn't let him know that. She avoided all references to that fateful evening, so he could not know how scared she was of him. After a year of friendship she was sure she wouldn't find him nearly so frightening. But now she was very much afraid that he would take it the wrong way. Of course she loved him, but to tell him that wouldn't be right. Cloud swished lightly onto the bedpost.  
  
Flower,  
I do believe I am coherent the majority of the time! No need to fly off the handle, now! A little sensitive are we? But as far as that being your first kiss, that one was perfect. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Could you help me with the charms homework in the empty room off the main charms corridor? If you can't, I understand. But if you can, that's great! See you around!  
-J  
  
J-  
I'll be there 6PM. What do you need help for; it's easy!  
-L  
  
She tied her note to Cloud's leg and grabbed her books for class. During the afternoon she once again noticed herself keeping a close watch on the Marauders. One particular Marauder in particular. She guessed she started looking at him like that only after their meeting on the balcony. Nobody had even tried to kiss her before that, and she'd never thought about guys that way, beyond dreaming of her knight on a white horse. With a start she realized that classes were over. She shambled toward the little-used classroom.  
  
Hey Lily! James beckoned to her from the back of the room. Close the door, I want to talk to you. He looked serious. She tried to walk over to him but he held up a hand to stop her. Let me talk first, okay?  
  
Are you all right James? She noticed he was motionless except for his eyes flicking over her face. And where are your books?  
  
Lily, I lied. I don't need homework help. I wanted to have a legitimate reason to talk to you alone. Lily sat down, not prepared for more than a tutoring session. But James remained standing, his eyes still pasted to her face. I wanted to ask you about your last couple of letters. I have an overactive imagination, so I assumed, well, I assumed you meant something by them which you couldn't possibly, so I just wanted to make sure. I'm not making any sense whatsoever, am I? He stuck his hands into his messy hair, making it stand up, an obvious sign of agitation. He looked at the floor, gathering his thoughts. I guess, Lily, what I'm trying to say is that we should probably go back to ignoring what happened a year ago, and just try to keep things about school and friends and crushes. Lily's eyes must have shown her confusion, because he strode over to her and knelt a bit away from her gazing at her hands, twisting in her lap. I need you to do this for me, Lily. I, well, I'm afraid that I won't be able to-if you send me letters teasing me, as good as flirting with me. He looked into her face, searchingly.  
  
But James, I don't understand. I'm sorry if I've offended you. Just- please don't stop writing! I won't write back if that's what you want. You're my best friend. I'll- James deliberately placed two fingers under her chin and she raised her eyes, surprised to find that he'd closed the distance between them to comfort her.  
  
Lily, I don't mean that at all. I just-that is, I don't know how I'm supposed to react, because I don't want to scare you away.  
  
I thought you were saying I was scaring you away...? Lily's confused eyes rested in his.  
  
You mean, you don't think I'm being a womanizer?  
  
Lily blushed. I don't think that of you, James. I think you're the most honest and steady person I know.  
  
James crimsoned a bit, then said, But you would hate me if I tried to kiss you again...  
  
Lily ducked her head for a moment, then looked up with bright eyes. Nothing could make me hate you, James Potter.  
  
  
  
  
  
May I kiss you?  
  
Tear-filled eyes focused on his lips were all the encouragement he needed. Hesitantly he got to his knees and lightly brushed her cheek with the back of his hand before leaning in to claim her lips. It wasn't so much the kiss as him reaching around to hold her that made her feel as if her heart was expanding and breaking at the same time that drove the knight firmly out of her dreams. He picked her up and settled her on his lap before once again finding her mouth. He was surprised to find tears on her cheeks.   
  
I love you, James. I think I have all along. I just thought you would never see me.  
  
I never thought I'd get the chance to tell you that I love you.  
  
But won't your friends be upset?  
  
Upset? They'll think it's bloody brilliant the way I've kept this to myself all this time! I can't wait to tell them I've got a girlfriend! You will be my girlfriend, won't you?  
  
Of course! I don't proclaim my love just for the hell of it you know!  
  
So this is all a plot...  
  
Yeah, a plot to tame James Potter, womanizer!  
  
Hey! I'm not a -  
  
Shut up!  
  
  
  
Here we are, you and I at last  
In the right place  
At the right time  
Every dream I've dreamed has come to pass  
Cause you're right here and you're all mine  
I can't believe the years of holding back are through  
And I can finally share what's in my heart with you  
Listen, listen:  
Listen to my heart  
Listen to it sing  
Listen to my voice  
It wants to tell you everything  
There's so much to say  
I don't know where to start  
But if you want to know the love I'm feeling  
Listen to my heart.  
All my life, I've been on a road  
Going one way, toward one dream  
The road would wind  
And down it I would go  
Always searching, never finding  
But even in my darkest hour I always knew  
That someday, somehow the road would lead to you  
And words can't express how my heart's filled with happiness  
Listen to it!  
Listen to my heart  
Listen to it sing  
Listen to my voice  
It wants to tell you everything  
Listen to my song;   
Listen to it soar!  
I've waited all my life for this one moment  
I'm not waiting anymore!  
Listen to my heart, as it cries for all the years that it was lonely  
Listen to my heart, as it smiles to know  
That now after so long  
I can finally sing my song  
And you're here, and you're listening  
You're listening!  
Listen to my voice and it will tell you everything  
All about the life   
that's just about to start  
For if you want to know how much I love you  
Listen to my heart,  
Listen to my heart,  
Listen to my Heart!  
  
Listen to my Heart by David Friedman


End file.
